Didn’t see any threads about divorce directly in search. I am looking for anybody who has been through a divorce who can give me some insight. Just maybe someone who has gone through similiar issues. I understand this is a firearms forum and all but I really don’t know anyone whose been divorced and have only lived in my state a year before I enlisted in the army and have only been back since march of 012, so I know no one here.
Here’s a quick run down; back in june we seperated because we got into a fight as I had suspicions of her cheating (she had cheated before, yeah dumbass me but more on that later). She moved in with her mom and immediatly started going out and drinking every night, clubs, bars and what not. I didn’t notice until charges started popping up about 4 nights a week from these places. Fast food 4 times a damn day, ton of money in gas every 2-3 days. She stopped contributing to bills except her damn cell phone. So I was stuck juggling bills of two people myself. Not to mention we have a son, which for 5 months she would not see on a single day off. She’d only have him a night or two during her work week. She also quit a perm job for a temporary job that only paid $2 more an hour. Then lost that when work ran out. Her mom eventually kicked her out a month ago and since she had been given temporary custody from the preliminary court hearing I had no choice but let her move in with me. Not only did I have to start paying child support, I was also ordered to pay her truck payment and insurance until the next hearing and she gets a job (she is getting the truck).
I had to pretty much sell all my guns, gear and other stuff to try and keep bills paid. I am still behind on everything. She acts like she has done nothing wrong. I am working my ass off with OT to try and catch up but can’t. I am applying for other jobs every chance I can to try and make more. (I am still waiting on training for my overseas position, I also have my written test for my local sheriffs department on the 26th)
Anyone been through something similiar? How can I get her to take responsibility of her poor decisions? I am at a loss as what the hell to do…
Answers to last questions, in order: yes; you can’t so quit trying; get your own attorney and file for divorce.
You’ve been to court already so I assume you had some legal representation. If you and your wife used the same lawyer, fine. What’s done is done. Get your own now. And if you had your own before and you’re not pleased with current separation, child custody, etc., fire him and get somebody else.
But quit mentally masturbating about all the “what ifs” and “if onlys.” If the marriage is over … and it sounds like it is … buckle your chin strap and get on with it.
Does divorce suck? Yeah. But it can’t suck any worse than the shit you’re mired in right now.
And cut up the fucking credit cards right now, within 60 seconds of reading this. Do not let your wife continue to dig while you are standing in the same goddamn hole!
I’m not pondering any what ifs or if onlys. I am not trying to make anything work. She doesn’t have access to any credit cards or my money. I can’t afford a lawyer. I am simply trying to see if anyone has experienced something similiar. I am trying to find a way to make her wake the fuck up and realize she has a son and needs to stop playing these immature teenage rebelious style games. I am worried about my son first and foremost. Providing for him is number one and her selfish actions are counter productive.
Hey Bro, sorry to hear you are going through all of this shit. It’s a lonely place but take solace in knowing that more guys than not go through this and sometimes multiple times. I just finished my divorce and a friend has been going through a hellish one for over a year now.
You are NOT alone. It is a learning experience and you sound like you need to be with someone more mature anyhow.
All I have time to say now is if you can keep the fighting / arguments away from your child, it will help your son immensely. Try to portray that you both need to do what is best for the child. You may find a bit of middle-ground this way plus it’s the right thing to do. She may not be mature enough but you can still show her an example of high ground.
Watch out for heated arguments, a psycho-bitch can pull shit making you loose the right to be around guns or hold that LEO job.
If it gets ugly, a friend of mine once used Dadsdivorve (.com?) to take his kid away from his psycho spouse. They use a tactic of learning what triggers the bitch and then let her hang herself in front of the judge by triggering her emotions several times.
I used a mediator and saved a fortune but both parties have to be mature enough and truly wanting what is in the child’s best interest.
Good luck buddy, you really are not alone in this shit. Do your homework when finding an attorney…
Yes, Been through it after one of my tours in Trashcanistan in 02’
Accept your part in ENABLING her to get away w/ breaking your convenant you both had in YOUR relationship. YOU cannot control the actions of another person & learn to stop attempting to negotiate that or bargain that position. Once the trust is lost it’s GONE. It’s like fine china, the fracture is always there & can be put back together w/ glue BUT the fracture is always there. She interprets your bargaining/negotiating as weakness.
I’d move on & NEVER look back & pick the next woman w/ better integrity, character & TRUE moral beliefs.
Your choice.
Learn to not be an enabler NO matter how good the Pussy is. Have faith in yourself & your beliefs. Hold the line.
My ex-wife and I were still in our twenties when things went off the rails (my drinking and her cheating). When I caught her red-handed, there was a lot of yelling and screaming and crying and kiss-and-make-up and all the usual shit. I remember clear as a bell talking it over with my dad and him telling me, “If you two decide to stick it out, you’re gonna have to forgive her and let it go. You can’t carry this around like a club and bring it out whenever things get rough, because they will. I respect both of you for trying to work this out, but I know people my age, with a lot more maturity than either of you, who haven’t been able to pull it off.”
And boy was he right. We stayed together for another FIVE FUCKIN’ YEARS! And we were both miserable about 90% of the time. We should have cut our losses and got on with our lives, but we each had our reasons for staying put, primarily financial.
As painful and disruptive as it was, when we finally pulled the plug, I think it was a relief for both of us.
I can empathize with your desire to safeguard your son. But trying to raise a kid in a house with two adults who are learning to hate each other a little more every day isn’t doing him any favors. You deserve a decent life and so does he. Unfortunately, the both of you are in for some tough sledding before you get there. Best of luck to you.
I have been through 2 divorces did the same sold guns paid out the ass for them to live the high life
First get your own Lawyer go after her as a unfit Mother
give all receipts to your lawyer showing she is to busy partying to take care of your child ,
keep a receipt book of everything you pay for and money you give her
,start a log of every thing she is doing .
I got tired of being the ATM machine and i got custody of my two daughters from my first marriage .because the first wife was banging every dick that walked pass her, I paid her nothing after i got custody .
Lucky the second wife was not so bad she saw what i did to the first wife and knew I would do the same to her if she went down that road .
ask your Lawyer to file for emergency custody hearing and kick her out of your house Most of all live like a saint cover you ass give her nothing to use against you .
if you need more info I am here to help just ask or PM me good luck this sucks but keep that head up and know something better will come along
“You can NOT change others”! Only yourself, so “Gitterdone”! Hell yes, there are others, always have been, and always will be. The smart ones move on and realize you can not change some one else, (IE: Make them love you either) so when it is over or has been for a long time, MOVE THE FUCK ON! And DO NOT LOOK BACK! You and your son (Whom YOU owe it to) have a supper cool life to get on with. The sooner the better for you and your son. He’s your responsibility, NOT HER!!!
Been there done that TWICE! And NOT going for the Trifecta!!! I actually learned the second time around.
Just got done with a two year hell stint trying to get divorced, so yea it sucks.
Listen, it doesn’t get easier, so go ahead and get to it. These guys have given you the exact advice you need, get a lawyer and prepare for a hard road. The end is alway a long way off but it’s better than where you are.
Been there and done that. Brother, all I can offer is a few words of advice learned the hard way.
Get a reputable lawyer IMMEDIATELY!
Don’t worry about your ex. You will never change her, fix her, like her, want to be around her, etc. Forget her and drive on.
No matter what the court papers say, stick to them emphatically and keep a written record of any and all deviations on her part. You will need these later - I promise.
Spend every minute of every day making sure your kid knows whats up and that you love them completely. I come from a divorced family and even as an adult, through jobs, military service, etc thought I could ‘earn’ love. I could not, but I learned from it and your child shouldn’t have to do the same. Let them know.
Don’t hit her - no matter what she does or says. Do not lay a hand on her - laugh and walk away. A friend of mine learned this the hard way when he lost his kids to a crackhead ex wife. She started hitting him with kitchen wares when he refused to give her more money than was owed. He pushed her through the sheetrock in self defense and became the guilty party. This guy would never hurt a fly, but a crazy bitch did him in.
Don’t lose hope. Divorces are one big vast black-hole of suck. It will pass.
I’m with Warpig - if I can do anything or just be encouraging, sling a PM my way.
EDIT: Listen to Jamey Johnson’s “Can’t Cash My Checks” lol. It helps.
First thing I would say is your lawyer is NOT your friend. You need to be careful there. They make their $ from you not her and they make more $ the more hostile and the more hostile acts they have to work on. The first thing your lawyer will want to know is $ & assets… and he then know exactly how much work he wants out of it and how much work he is willing to do and when you run out of $ you run out of lawyer! My lawyers stirred the pot and I think that there is some understood and non-communicated complicity amongst divorce lawyers for this kind of thing from my personal experience and that of many friends. I have one set of friends who went thru a bitter legal divorce that cost several hundred thousand $ over 2 years and they are now friends again and laugh at how their lawyers stirred the pot and since they had no communication but thru the lawyers they got screwed.
Remember when you see the lawyers wrestling in the mud for you… that mud is your $ money sticking to both of them:eek:
So, get a reputable attorney, but if you can have family arbitrate for you both and keep as much as possible out of the lawyer’s offices the better. Also, if you can tape record her (Panasonic from Radioshak for $30) incriminating herself that is good idea.
You should expect a restraining order soon as that is the first thing her lawyer will try and do as it puts you inbetween a rock and hard place fast.
I highly appreciate all the advice. My mistake was not leaving her ass when she cheated. I tried to be the one person in her life that didn’t abandon her like her previous father and step father as well as her family. She didn’t see that and just ran to the people who don’t care unless it benefits them. Her loss. She will shed this rebelious teenager charade one day and wake up and realize she has nobody and nothing left, even her our son won’t be there.
As far as a lawyer, I am behind on everything I owe so I can’t even afford a payment plan. My credit score was 720 and I built hers up to just over 760 before her little selfish think life is an episode of jersey whore shore show. We had never missed a payment or late on one. I was waiting for her to get some work experience so I could use my VA loan and get a home as it would have been much cheaper than to rent. Now all that is out the window. Someone at work told me out here they have a place I should be able to get a free lawyer with aid. So I am going to look into that. I already gave her a deadline to find a damn job and move out of my place. I would have never let her move in after her mom kicked her out if she didn’t have temporary custody.
So my plan of action is:
Inquire about that lawyer aid
Gather what I need to present her being financialy unstable
Get her out of my place
Get the next court date and do what needs to be done
One day, when your son is older, he is going to want to know what happened, what went wrong, and you will be able to tell him how much and how hard you tried, that you did not simply throw in the towel, even when that seemed that easiest thing to do, that you continued to struggle and sacrifice for the sake of your marriage, for the sake of your only son’s mother, and for his sake. And that will be a great example for him.