The other thread on “What do you wish you had learned years ago” has been such a success that I thought I’d submit this one.
No matter how much experience someone has, it’s always refreshing to read what other people have learned.
PLEASE…let’s get the obvious ones out of the way: “Don’t get married”, or “men/women are crazy/bitches/evil/whatever.”
For the sake of ‘caveman-style’ discussion we can call these a ‘given’.
I’m speaking tongue-in-cheek of course since most people will get married or have relationships regardless of what advice they’re given.
So, once again…PLEASE…let’s not spam this thread with ‘don’t get married’ or ‘men/women are evil’ responses.
Also, don’t necessarily limit your responses to what the opposite sex has taught you.
If you want to expound on anything having to do with a relationship and what it has taught you, fire away.
So, okay, here goes…
One of the main things I learned from women is that some very beautiful women are lonely because most guys are afraid to ask them out.
It’s taken me a few years, but I’m finally realizing women don’t say what they mean always, and consider that legit because it’s a “defense mechanism” or some horseshit like that.
You not only marry her; you marry her family too. Make sure you can take that.
Men respond to what they SEE; women respond to what they HEAR.
How it looks and how it feels don’t always go together (if you know what I mean).
The more attractive the female, the less they are held accountable for their actions and as a result a great many of them are really ****ed up people.
I truly believed I sabotaged many relationships in the past because something inside me was saving my ass. Most people run down the list of former girlfriends and think “I wonder what would have happened if…”, when I did that I typically think “Thank god I didn’t.”
If you meet a girl that is intelligent, shares common interests and most importantly is a NICE PERSON then strongly consider marriage.
Despite claims of “we make decisions together, etc.” ultimately one of you is going to run the show. It should be the person who makes the best decisions with the well being of both people in mind.
Unless they are paying your bills, your family has “no say” in your marriage. Neither does hers.
And my big one.
Women like to tell you their problems simply to tell you their problems. If you misunderstand and try and fix those problems they often get annoyed. Got so bad I had to tell my wife to not tell me about any problems she doesn’t want me to fix or offer advice on.
I would not have believed how good some women are at manipulation if I hadn’t experienced it myself.
Never try to prolong a relationship that you know is over, for whatever reason.
If its real bad, and you can’t figure out how to fix it, you have to be able to step back at some point and let it fix itself. Even if you feel entirely responsible, you need to be able to recognize that just your involvement may be making it worse, not to mention anything you do to try and fix it. By step back, I mean get out completely.
ETA:
If you see warning signs early, don’t dismiss them! I thought that it was me over-reacting or that I’d be able to get over them. Not true. If you know, deep down, that it bothers you and you don’t try to fix them early, it will lead to big problems.
Trust goes BOTH ways. One person can only trust the other without it being returned for so long.
Listen. Listen. Listen. Always ask if they want advice/opinion/fixing BEFORE offering any. If they don’t- back the F off.
Communicate what you feel/think and ALWAYS be honest (Even if that may not be what they want to hear)- brutally honest if necessary, even if it will put you in the dog house.
Small little things can make the biggest difference in so many ways. Take the time to do something for eachother every once in a while- even the smallest gestures can be grand when they are true/passionate and born of love.
Stay true to yourself and eachother.
ETA:
#5) Get them involved in your hobbies and involve yourself in theirs! (Thanks Slater- you reminded me of this one!)
While opposites might attract, they don’t stick together very well.
Look for and marry a girl that you would want to be friends with as much or more than what you think is most attractive.
They never get thinner.
A good personality goes a lot longer and a lot farther than good looks.
Look for someone that can complete your thoughts or sometimes completes your sentences because you are both thinking the same thing.
Look for someone that has the same morals as you do and similar religious beliefs
Look for someone that has the same feelings about money (save vs spend)
Sex is great but you will be spending much more time sitting and talking than you will bumping uglies
Look at her family history. If she has a crazy aunt/mother/sister be prepared to deal with that yourself. If you haven’t ever dealt with that type of thing in your own family, don’t get involved, it won’t work.
Never say anything to your wife you would be ashamed if your Grandmother found out.
Don’t EVER go down the path of “When you make 50% of the take home pay, I will do 50% of the housework”. It won’t end well.
NEVER let her think that you love stuff more than her. (Particularly guns)
Do small things that she doesn’t expect to earn “man points” Buy a movie/book she wants, wash the dishes, bring flowers, fold the laundry.
I also agree with what was said several times before. Learn to listen but not fix. Went through that early in the marriage. Now I only fix if asked to. I just offer words of agreement on how bad it is.
I got EXTREMELY lucky. I have been married for 13 years to a girl that never seems to age (people think she is my daughter, seriously) that plays video games, shoots guns, rides ATVs, listens to heavy metal and watches action/scifi/horror movies all while looking like Bridget Fonda from Point of No Return.
being a wedding photographer I see a lot of marriages I can tell are doomed from the start sadly ! and some you can tell where folks truly are happy !
true about the marry the family
nobody is perfect remember that ! and look in the mirror and be honest
relationships take work ! nothing is perfect and easy all the time you just have to be willing to sacrifice some things to get others and realize again it takes WORK !!!
if you are dating a girl and sleeping with her try no sex for 6 months see if your relationship lasts !!!
IMHO woman are not crazy and stupid and all that junk ! its just some people are that way and if you are some how attracting those types best figure out why and change it
biggest thing again it takes work and you marry the family !
Women get apeshit pissed every month and you (men) are the target! At least my wife gives me a warning when it’s about to happen. Too bad that warning could mean tomorrow or next week.
The one common denominator in EVERY one of my failed relationships was . . . me.
When I decided to grow up, sober up, and get my shit together (at age 37), I met my second wife and we’ve been together for a little over seventeen years.
And it’s never 50/50. Sometimes you carry more weight, sometimes it’s the other way around. Maybe in the final tally it works out even, but if you try to keep score on a week by week basis, it’s probably not gonna end well.
If you find a beautiful girl, who has a kind heart, and is low maintenance- deal with any of her other bullshit. Or give me her number.
Honestly, i find the most important quality in a woman to be how she looks and feels about me. Nothing can beat a girl who looks at you with real honest love in her eyes. Everything else can be worked out. Maybe I’m insecure and need to see it, but that’s just me.
I figured that I had it figured out. I waited till I was 29 to get married. I was wrong and it cost me big time. The list I could write would take up too much bandwidth, but will expound on the much more sage advice…
Brimstone, I saw this years ago with a beautiful woman walking from the surf on a beach towards you. It still rings true.
Doc… 1 and 4. Truth.
Styer… 2. We are more alike than I thought.
Wake… 1 is gold.
THCDDM4 and crow hunter… Basically all of it.
It is an evolving, strange thing, women. Never will know I guess.
From my friend, who happens to be female, I will offer a few counter points… She’s really cool about this…
Men are assholes… I told her we already know this.
She can’t depend on a man to be there for her… I told her you picked the wrong guy. Not my fault. I picked the wrong woman too.
I should add we are both divorced.
I(she) learned that she couldn’t depend on a man to be there for her.
This took prodding. Trying to figure out what she was saying. I now know I will always be an asshole, I am mistrusted with every step, and I feel the same way.
Make sure you both know what you’re getting into before you tie the knot. Get all the baggage out there first. You don’t wanna be married for three years then have her find out that you were in a porn one time.
(I haven’t done the married part. But I’ve been in a relationship for a few years.)
