Who here gets this, or been through it? I’m in the middle of a bloody divorce. 5 kids involved.
I started talking with a pro psychologist in July and he said something that changed my life. He said “she’s gaslighting you man.”
I didn’t think anything of it the day, but a few days later my life changed. Did a simple google search and then all of a sudden the last 12 years of my life unraveled.
My pending ex is a covert or malignant narcissistic sociopath and has been living different lives with every person she was ever involved.
Just trying to keep my kids safe from her manipulation…. Anyone here got a tip or two to relate to this nightmare?
Been through it, survived it. My suggestions as follows:
Your life is hard right now. It will get harder, and the hard times will last for a few years. Accept it. But also know that this period is temporary, it will pass, and your life will improve, dramatically.
Take stock of your finances and cut back hard, right now. It’s austerity time: subscriptions, guns, off-road toys, whatever you have: sell, sell, sell. You’re going to need zero debt and a large cash reserve to see you through to the other side.
Do NOT self-medicate: NO booze, NO drugs, NO naked girls. You’re going to have some bad days, really dark days. Don’t make things worse by trying to mask the negative feelings. Take the pain, knowing it WILL pass.
Please PM if needed, I will respond.
Hang in there, brother, and hang on: You’re gonna make it.
Yes. There are “wives” out there that fit your description. I had one and went through similar.
At risk of sounding like a Dork; I remained true to myself, did the “right thing(s)” and got through it, even was given custody of kid.
Bunch is correct.
You can always get “more stuff”.
Been through it and you have to think of the kids, not yourself first. I wasn’t dealing with a sociopath, so not sure what is best for the kids in that scenario. Generally, it is better the parents act like adults and not stab the other in the back whenever the kids are around, no matter how bad things get.
Remember, as hard as it is on you, it is even harder on the kids who don’t understand everything happening.
“Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality. People who experience gaslighting may feel confused, anxious, or as though they cannot trust themselves.”
Good advice here already. In tough/dark times, speaking with psych pro can be not just helpful, but essential. Buddy of mine going through similar after walking in on her banging the trainer she’d asked for…
I don’t have experience as it applies to ex narcissism, plenty in other areas, both parents were toxic narcissists. Neither were bad/evil people, just F-ed in the head.
Remember that you love your kids more than you hate her/each other under all circumstances. Try to get her to see/agree same and move forward based on that premise. It’s very easy to go down an ugly direction, and never forget, lawyers make $ when you fight. I come from a family full of lawyers.
You may have to eat some chit that tastes really bad that is ultimately best for your kids.
I’m blessed to have a wonderful & sane wife & cannot give any advice from that point of view…I can however suggest some from the kiddos view watching my Dad go through a couple.
Keep the kids as your focus & let them know you love them often & none of what is going on is because of them…do not bad mouth their mother or argue with her in front of them regardless the circumstances.
I watched a friend go through something that involved massive amounts of gaslighting, infidelity, and perhaps some general insanity thrown in. No idea if narcissism was involved. But dang, she lied constantly and cost him 3 years of his life, not to mention the money she stole and career advancement he couldn’t take.
Observations:
Don’t badmouth her to the kids.
Take time to settle who you are. If talking to someone helps, do it. You may have some things to work through to help you get out the other side. Marriage merges identities to some extent, and finding that identity to be flawed or false hits hard.
Avoid false escapes. Alcohol is the easy one, as well as porn, but drugs may be just as accessible, and avoid them all. Go for walks. Find a friend that will go shooting with you. Frankly, go to a church that is part of the EFCA or SBC; that’s oddly specific, but those tend to be very interested in helping others and open to “new people.” I can’t tell you to find faith, because that doesn’t mean much without knowing you; but, believing there is a God who personally cares about you and who experienced being lied about is comforting.
Track everything. Know how much money you have, where she and am you have spent it, how much monthly costs are, bank account records, emails, texts, have it all saved and easily accessible somewhere. If she is the problem, then as tedious and miserable as the experience is, a good attorney will help you through it.
Help others. Life may be miserable. Find a way to make someone else’s better along the way.
Find a good attorney. By good, I mean both effective and trusted by the local courts. I observed that having the wife get a cheap attorney that came across as lazy or sleazy absolutely did not help her.
These are thoughts from observation. Others have given good advice as well.
Look, this can only go two ways. The two of you either get divorced, or not.
If one of you is determined to go through with it, IT WILL HAPPEN. So you need to face the facts…
If the divorce is happening, first things first - Secure your assets as best as you can. By this, I mean:
Have a close friend rent a storage unit (to which you keep the key/entry code) and put your high-value personal possessions in it (guns/ammo/rare coins/ect… nothing that is registered or has a paper trail) Pay your close friend in cash for this service. (As far as anyone else is concerned - you gave away, lost, or sold for petty cash these possessions)
Start a new personal bank account (if currently using a joint account) start making small cash deposits into this new personal account (less than $300 at a day).
Start a personal trust fund for the kids (as wives/ex-wives usually cannot gain access to these).
Forget the psych & hire a divorce attorney NOW, and seek additional advice after doing the above (& DO NOT tell them about the storage unit deal with your close friend or about any of the items you have stored there - as those items no longer exist to the outside world)
Second, rent a small apartment or trailer. Even if you do not move into this, clean it up & furnish it with the basics so as to have a place to go (for yourself & the kids if necessary) should circumstances require (as this will help you in regards to gaining custody of the kids should the ex-wife get the house from the divorce proceedings.)
If the divorce is not happening (she’s not determined to go through with it) - First things first - Secure your assets as best as you can, and by this I mean:
She’s your wife - You married her, and more than likely fathered at least one of your children with her, so stop focusing on YOUR pains & problems & do your best to try to be the man that your wife & mother of your children actually wanted to marry.
It takes two to make the dance work, but almost always requires that the man lead, so either LEAD, follow, or get out, and if you’ve decided to get out (divorce), then maybe reread through the first part of this post again.
I have a good friend going through this. Many forms of mental illness are hereditary, so your children may begin to display some of the same traits as their mother. Just be aware of it and seek professional help for them.
Gaslighting is becoming another one of those terms that is being overused and changed by the public.
Op, divorce sucks, but it feels great to be free. You probably dont even understand how bad it is, that will be a few years from now when you look back.
Aside from the legal stuff suggested, focus on being the best man you can, but dont dwell on your pain or frustration. Workout, take care of yourself and responsibilities, especially the children.
Find someone you can vent to. You’ll need a night once in a while to have fun with male companions and vent, but dont make it a habbit.
Like working out, its gonna suck, but youll be happier when its over, and your children will be better off.
Get as far away as possible, little or no contact. Keep your kids as far away as possible.
There is almost nothing these people won’t do, your brain doesn’t work like theirs, you won’t see it coming. Living life on 24 hour “psycho alert” is no kind of life.
Warn your kids to be careful, it won’t accomplish much but maybe it will. If they buy into her BS, they are going to be very vulnerable. She will play your kids like “pawns” to get what she wants. There is probably no lie she won’t tell them to confuse them.
I went through this in 95 and got custody of my Son. I can’t tell you how rare it was for an Active Duty Soldier to get custody of his kids back then, but it worked. I have no idea what the total bill for that was, but I got my Kid. I would be damned before I would let another Man raise my Son.
I’m no Saint, but I have tried very hard not to bad mouth his Mother. I have nearly bitten my tounge in half a couple of times not to, but 25 years later, I’m rather surprised at times of his own very harsh critisim’s of her.
I knew I wanted my Son to do better than I did, so I put every nickle she sent for Child Support in my Son’s college fund. I also went back at 36 to finish my Degree because I know the odds are stacked that if Dad does it, his Son will also. I did a semester of Statistics at 2 Am with a bottle of Crown Royal as incentive.
I have the best relationship of my life with my Son, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Kids won’t understand as kids, but when they are adults they will see everyone for who they really were. My dad wasn’t perfect either but when I grew up, it wasn’t hard to figure out who the bad guys were and who the good guys were.
I imagine it’s probably hard to not bad mouth a complete psycho who did everything possible to ruin your life.
This issue is no small matter indeed. This type of behavior and thinking is becoming more prevalent, especially in females.
Gaslighting is no joke. It’s straight up mental manipulation and abuse. I will never judge another soul, man or woman, struggling with an abusive relationship, let alone and emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship. I would have rather just been assaulted on a daily basis than what I went through. I’m an educated man, but no amount of knowledge or experience can save you from these people. They are vampires that hone in on your weak character traits (generally the traits normal people consider good) and suck the life out of you. It really is death by papercuts.
I’m a 15+ year police veteran. After I began noticing very concerning things in and from the kids I knew I had to do something to keep them safe. She wasn’t negotiating anyways so there was no point wasting more money in fees when I was going to be in court anyways. I filed for custody.
I had to go to my temporary hearing with one of the worst possible judges. My attorney was strongly urging me to just settle something because there was genuine concern if we went to the bench she would get it all. I stood my ground. I went to court and told my story to the first person who was actually required to listen. He saw right through the BS and I had a ruling in less than a week. I got primary care of the kids. Unheard of in Iowa let alone anywhere else, especially with the judge I had.
So for all the dads out there that got bent by the “system,” never give up.
Also, while I can appreciate the comments about reconciliation, in these circumstances that is the worst advice you can give somebody in an abusive relationship. Never ever tell anyone to try and make something work, people like me are highly susceptible to unintentional bad advice, especially from people who have their own divorce experience. There is not settling with a narcissist once they decide they’re finished with you. These people are sick to a major degree.
