Normally I’d never think I was qualified, but if Obama can do it so can anyone. Unlike all the other candidates, I will actually specify my platform.
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Foreign policy - We will immediately suspend any and all aid to any country that hasn’t shown up to help us in time of need over the last 20 years. So basically England and some of the UK can expect aid as needed. As we won’t be sending any more checks to Israel, we will also no longer be in a position to tell them what to do. So all you guys who count on us to keep Israel cool might wanna just play nice. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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Homeland security - All TSA employees will immediately be reassigned as ICE enforcement agents so they can apply their particular brand of zeal and crappy attitude to people who deserve such treatment. TSA will begin entirely new screening procedures under the direction of former El Al management. We will begin to screen out potential problems so regular airline passengers can fly unmolested or inconvenienced. Additional manpower to ICE will be provided by former employees of the ATF and IRS.
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War & Peace - I will eliminate the Department of Defense and replace it with a War Department. You can’t win a war by defending yourself. Since we will now have a War Department we will begin waging ACTUAL WAR on our enemies and those countries that host, fund or provide support to those enemies.
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Immigration - The NEW ICE will be tasked with detecting, arresting and in some cases deporting ALL illegals in the country. The significant fines levied against businesses that hire illegals will largely fund this effort.
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Energy & Oil - Every state except California will have a brand new nuclear power facility. CA will be encouraged to develop solar power plants.
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Gun Control - The NFA '34 and the “sporter clause” of the GCA '68 will be scrapped. We will actually have a Class III collectors license (just like many uniformed people currently think exists) where we will license machine gun collectors and they will be free to buy anything they will without a per item fee.
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Civil Rights - All race based laws will be completely eliminated. We are gonna give true equality a chance.
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Jobs & The Economy - By arresting / deporting approx. 25 million illegals we will free up approx. 10 million jobs for Americans. The money saved in services used by illegals will boost many economies. We will rebuild American infrastructure. Labor unions will pay a “union tax” similar to income tax based upon revenue received from members.
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Government reform - Government salaries will be capped at the current median income level. Benefits and bonuses will be equally similar. Local state representatives will no longer be “elected” but chosen in a manner similar to jury duty. Members of Congress shall be limited to two terms.
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Social Security - This program will be phased out with the last persons paying in to be the last who receive benefits. After that, individuals will be strongly encouraged to pay that amount of their check into some kind of retirement program.
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Welfare - Government works programs will be created to offer jobs to the unemployed. Financial assistance will be provided to qualifying individuals (such as former military) who are unable to work. Temporary assistance will be provided to those who are just getting started who are currently employed or going to school.
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Education - Standard will be raised so that those students who simply “take up space and waste everyones time” can be removed from the public school system and teachers can then have smaller class sizes with students who are interested in learning. Non productive students will get one year at a “last chance” supervised learning environment.
