How do you handle it when too much becomes too much?

General General Discussion
1

I really haven’t wanted to post this because obviously my issues are so minor compared to things like what happened with Chuck and his family, or many other issues that other members deal with. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want to come off like I am whining. However I really feel I just need to put it out there and get advise whether it be “suck it up buttercup”, “get help”, or anything in between.

2013 was an unmitigated disaster of a year. Frankly it has left me an absolute mess physically, mentally, and financially.

While it started off well with me finally getting my real estate license after years of putting it off, it quickly took a turn for the worse. I posted on here about my car catching fire and almost taking the front of my house with it. The damage in the end was severe. The car was totaled and there was over Ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the house and property once all was done. This one top of the Tornado tearing through here in 2012 led my Insurance company to dropping my homeowners policy. I was able to get a new one but at well over twice what I was previously paying.

Not long after that my HVAC system decided to shit the bed. So through the hottest period of the summer and now in the coldest part of the winter, we have no AC or heat. On top of that it failed in a spectacular fashion. Leading to water damage to multiple rooms in the house with the ceiling that was just fixed a year ago from the tornado being damaged even worse than it was then. We are getting by on Space heaters and borrowed Window AC units. However they are inefficient and have shoved our electric bill way up.

During all this time we were squeaking by. My business was getting better and my wife was doing ok at work. Then what started as a minor pain where no guy wants pain, turned into a marble sized growth on the left side twin. It causes me pain every day that ranges from FML to wanting to suck start my gun. As you an imagine this kind of thing in that region doesn’t play well with the nightlife you have with your wife. The plan was to get in there and do the best the could to remove them without causing damage. And of course just a couple weeks before I was going to have my surgery, my wife finds out that her job is gone. They let her know via text that her position was gone (Small company killed by obamacare and related governmental BS).

She has since found a new job but it pays around 60% less than her old one and does not offer medical benefits.
I actually broke down and checked out the pricing for insurance through the REALTOR exchange and come to find out that it would be almost 1/3 of our monthly income just for the most basic of coverage. So no help there.

We have done just about everything possible to cut down on expenses. I have even sold off about 85% of my firearms to help get through. And we are able to get by. But it doesn’t help when it is such a fight every month and some of the things loom over you like these do. Especially health issues.

So yes. 2013 Fracking sucked.
To say that the depression I have fought off for years managed to sink its claws back into me would be an understatement.

I have always been good at dealing with issues in my life. Internalize them or handle them in whatever other manner I needed too. But in 2013 I found that too much can indeed be too much. And honestly I have no idea how to cope. I know that many of you have been through more shit than I have. I understand that my problems are minor compared to many of yours. To the family of AC who have lost so much. But to me they are the issues I have to deal with. And I hope that in putting this out there, that there may be a couple of you who have words of advise. I am open to about anything.

2

crisis is self defined what may be small or petty for some is major for others, yours aren’t petty IMO. That said all you can do is embrace the suck. If you have a fireplace(and everyone where winter happens should) use it for heat, or get some of the new safer space heaters, you can live w/o AC and Central heat. Come summer buy box fans, you’ll be fine, we don’t have heat or AC here in FL, havnt for years. AFA the rest, it sucks but youd be amazed how much you can save by cutting out extras etc

3

I hear you on 2013. Try to tackle the problems one at a time. Definitely get your health issue checked out first.

Your health is the most important thing for you and your family. You may be able to get cash discounts for treatment in your situation.

I wish I could be more optimistic on the economy. I work for a large corporation and all signs point to slow or low growth at best. My job is not secure. My wife lost about 35% of her income due to the economy this year. We have insurance, but obamacare changes and treatment of her chronic health conditions have saddled us with medical debt in the tens of thousands of dollars. I have a special needs child who also needs expensive meds. We are trying to slowly dig out, but it is a rough process.

Keep your head up and work on the things you can control. Stay close with family and do things that you enjoy. Do not let those dark thoughts rule you. Keep your faith. I wish I had more to offer, but let’s hope 2014 is a better year for you and others out there who have had rough times lately.

4

Just on the medical front call around and ask to see if people can do a payment plan to get you checked out. When I had gastro problems I did that and paid cash and it wasn’t really that bad. My wife had a stage 2 cervical lesion and we paid cash for that. Luckily we have a lot of options living next to a big city but even if you have to drive you can usually find an option. And neither one of us have exactly good paying gigs. I am on the GI Bill and she was working as nurses aide.

Money issues do suck. We went through that this year but have come around to stable income. Just had a lot of stuff happen in the first 7-8 months of the year with various things. Life has turned around, and we had a good Christmas season. Not totally awesome but the kids had presents and we could afford some things.

Life does turn around but you have to work at it and don’t give up. In 2012 we got kicked out of the house we were promised by my parents, were living in for 5 years, and I had to cut off communication with my entire family. Then my wife’s step dad died and my wife’s bipolar issues started getting in the way of her working. Then the issues mentioned in 2013. I’ve sold my car (350Z) and most of my guns. I am hoping 2014 is a good year. Sounds like it will be. My wife found some side work which will boost our income quite a bit this year and we’re gonna hang in through me getting a degree.

You guys just need to find a path some way that will turn things around. Get your medical issue taken care of and get that off your back. One step at a time and the problems will go away on their own. Find any way to get the extra stress out that doesn’t need to be there out. Family and friends causing stress? Then you don’t need them. If you have expensive shit sitting around get rid of it and put it towards stuff that reduces stress. If you’re spending money on booze or vices cut back on that. Find FREE things to do. We always get so caught up in spending money to do anything we had a blast at the state capitol and it only cost the gas money to get there and back. Way better than spending $60 for the the 4 of us to see a movie with drinks and extra shit.

5

Right there with you. Worse in some areas, not as bad in others.

To say that the economy has destroyed my business that I spent a decade building up from nothing into something that was thriving would be an understatement.

I’ve cut corners everywhere I can, this is why you haven’t seen many “cool new toy” posts from me. I don’t have health insurance, can’t afford health insurance and now will be fined for not having health insurance. So all Obamacare did for me was reach into my wallet. I won’t qualify for any assistance because I own my own home. Doesn’t matter that my home is barely worth what I still owe on it and that it needs a shitload of work that I can’t afford to do. Seems every month something new takes a shit and dies.

I’ve got some health issues, mostly middle age related and I’m not dealing with anything severe so I won’t go into except for the fact that it costs me money. Ironically if I had health insurance it wouldn’t be any cheaper. My doctor gives me a private pay rate and I have a private prescription plan that I pay for. In fact, with Obamacare my out of pocket medical costs would actually go up even if it was free compared to what I’m paying now.

I don’t want to be the guy with multiple gun safes complaining about how tough things are so I’ll stop there. I’m still better off than many, it’s just that life is sticking it to me pretty good.

Trying to focus on the small things I can do that are still good. Just sitting down with my wife and watching a good movie on a weekend. Going out for that pizza once a week (cheaper than cooking at home). Got back into an inexpensive collection, way cheaper than any guns.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Vintage-Nunchaku/523048834442599?skip_nax_wizard=true

I’m also trying to get back into a regular training routine. If I’m not making money I might as well spend that time getting healthy.

Easier said than done, but one thing at a time, important stuff first. Some stuff just isn’t gonna get done and it’s beyond my ability to do anything about it so I deal with it the best I can.

I’m hoping things get better rather than worse. If I can get the housing market to recover that would help a lot. But at least I’m not a grown up living at home with my parents who are paying my student loan while I look for a job.

Really we have little choice but to just handle it because not doing so is so much worse.

6

I go to church, and pray.

You will be in my thoughts.

7
  1. Seek up. I know this is dependent upon your religious stance, but its the first thing I do. I will do it for you if your not a believer.
  2. Reach out. There are folks out there would love nothing more than to bless you, with whatever they can.
  3. Alter perspective. This sounds trite, apathetic, and easier said than done…but it works for me (at times.) My wife wants to smack me when I apply it but its true, things could be much, much worse. Thats not to say AT ALL that you are not completely entitled to distress, strife, down-and-out, etc… its just to say sometimes its easy to see the light when you consider what others have gone through and overcome.
  4. Get closer with your wife. Money can cause a rift of the likes of an affair, prepare for it and dont let it. Know that the strife (Screwtape) is trying to pull you to apart; redirect it and spend more time together, reinforcing each other, strenghening your love/bond.
  5. Laugh in the face of it all. Not a psycho laugh…just a British SAS jovial-type laugh because you know you can see the long road.

I want to send you and your wife on a date- PM inbound.

8

I’ve learned the hard way that internalization just is a not a good idea for most folks. You need to talk to folks that’ll listen. Double bouns points if those who can listen can offer moral support and or encouragement. I’m still struggling from earlier in '13 but the one thing I have is my wife to talk to and be there for me and vice versa.

9

I don’t think many had too good of a year. I think the BS is catching up to people no matter how careful they have been

10

Remember, as long as the sun come up and you are above ground, it’s a good day. And the sun IS gonna come up tomorrow, so you are already 50% there. Get your med issues fixed first as it’s probably holding you back from fixing the others. Best wishes.

11

The other day I got to looking through some of my Dad’s records. Born in 1911, he was a high school dropout during the Depression and enlisted during WWII, serving in the Army in the ETO. He was unemployed from 1931-33–and he was no slacker. He enlisted in the prewar Army in 1938, got very lucky, and went into the Border Patrol in 1940. He took very good care of his family and lived to the ripe old age of 94 and stayed sharp as a tack. I’m biased, but he was a helluva good man.

He didn’t talk your ear off, but he was a wise man. Some of the things I remember him saying were:

“This, too shall pass.”
" I never expected to do as well as I have."
“The joke’s on me; I never expected to live so long.” (Upon me calling him up one April 1st and wishing him a “Happy April Fool’s Day”.)

I’ll ask him to pray for you; he knew what tough times were like…

I too had a few hellish years when my stress meter was well and truly pegged out. I still have a dogeared copy of Marcus Aurelius’ “Meditations” that let me put things into perspective and survive one more day. Marcus saved my butt.

12

I skimmed but didn’t see cancer in your OP…

  • Get in the gym
  • Pray daily and be thankful
  • Lead a healthy lifestyle
  • Look forwards not backwards
  • Help others who want to help themselves.
  • go to the range often
13

1.) Make a list of things to do and accomplish them every day. Even little things. Take a dump, check. Fix the dripping faucet, check. Wash the car, check. Small accomplishments make you feel better and keep you motivated.
2.) Go to the gym. If you can’t afford the gym, run or do push ups or punch a bag.
3.) Don’t keep things in. Talk to someone. It helps more than you think. Get it out and get a different perspective on how to solve your problems.
4.) A quality kerosene heater is cheap warm comfortable heat! I lived in an old farm house and one big heater placed just near the stairway heated the whole 4 bedroom house, minus only a couple rooms, and 5 gallons of kero lasted about 48 hours of really comphy heat.

14

Life can be a real mother f-er at times to be sure. Some times getting by is all you get for a while. As you know, many don’t even have that. I often think no matter how bad I have it, someone has it worse. That does not negate what you/we deal with, it just helps with perspective. 97, I got divorced, someone I considered a friend screwed me out 6 months of work, and what would have been a large some of money, and my mother died 10 days before 9/11. That was a very bad year for me. When you’re going through such things, you feel like you’re the only one dealing with it.

I suppose our character is not defined by what we experience as much as how we deal with it during, and afterward. Some times that’s being strong enough to reach out vs internalize it/tough it out. Can you see therapist? They can be helpful if your open to it. Can you find free things to do to help you and the wife keep perspective? It’s amazing how much free stuff is out there if you look. May have nothing to do with personal interests, like an art opening, a museum tour, a lecture, walking club, etc. But being broke and sitting at home just really adds to the suck in my experience and becomes a cycle hard to break so just doing some free activities to not feel broke and isolated is important in my experience.

Health wise, you didn’t specify what the growth is, so hard to comment. Get it done, heal up, move on best you can. Soon as you’re cleared, get regular exercise, no matter what. Besides the obvious health benefits, there’s not a more powerful anti depressant known to man.

I can’t cover my own experiences here, but tough times don’t last, tough people do, or at least they go down fighting when they don’t!

15

I turned to the Lord for help, when life seemed to come crashing down on me.

16

I don’t have much to offer, just that 2013 was a pretty bad year for many, in many different ways. Your trials over the past year have been by no means trivial, but are not insurmountable. I will echo what others have said, get to a doctor and get that lump taken care of, sickness will only make all other problems that much worse, by adding on to the stress and financial strain. Just know that you have a wife that loves you and is by your side, together, you can tackle anything life throws at you.

For myself, 2013 saw the end of a pretty good relationship, a deployment to Afghanistan, a few minor illnesses and injuries, and some pretty stressful moments. However, thankfully I found that this past year was the first year in almost 4 years where I did ok financially and was able to recover mostly from the losses from the past few years. I got to see my little sister marry someone who I respect and think is a great guy for her, and I was able to see some family members who I haven’t seen in years, all just before leaving for the 'Stan.

Just know that there is nothing wrong in seeking help, from simple advice here to actual professional help, no shame or anything wrong with it. Ultimately it is about being there for your family, who I’m sure is there for you. Be healthy, be happy, be strong, 2014 will be a better year my friend.

17

I just want to thank everyone for the kind words and words of advise both in the thread and through PMs. Funny enough I had a few people ask me if I would be offended at them saying they will pray for me since they know my stance on religion. I tell them that I take the sentiment for the meaning behind it. Just because I don’t believe doesn’t mean I am offended at another person sending me well wishes in whatever way they do.

I have been doing my best to live healthier. Much better diet and I attempt to go to the gym. But the latter is especially difficult. Imagine a knife in one of your testicle. And any time they bounce, or get moved, or are constricted too much that knife gets turned. Yeah that is about that it is like. Maybe I need to just man up. But even my pain tolerance has its limits. I am also lucky that my doctor has been willing to see me at random periods to keep an eye on it without paying full price for an office visit. She wants to make sure that the growth doesn’t get any larger than it currently is.

You all are right however that such things do ebb and flow. And I won’t lie. Just getting the issues out in writing actually helps me to some extent.

18

When is the (benign?) growth going to get removed? Chronic pain is a real mood killer!

19

+1 for all this stuff.

I would also suggest picking one task, one issue, one primary problem that you need to solve and attacking it first. You can do it whatever order you feel it requires, some things have to go before others, but pick one and do it until it is done.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

Good luck.

20

This. Make whatever arrangements are necessary to get your health squared away. It’s going to be hard to get a handle on many of the other issues if you’re walking around feeling like you have a nut about to pop.

A lot of good suggestions here. But first things first. Prioritize. And your health needs to be right up there near the top of the list.