My friend recently went into inpatient rehab in early spring after years of drug use, lastly for heroin. He’s now there for cocaine and gets out tomorrow or Wednesday. I’m not sure what I can do to helpHe just had a baby born on Memorial day and married last year, I would’ve thought that would be motivation enough for him, obviously not. What to do?
Whatever you do… DO NOT lend him money. I’m not saying that to be mean, but if you want to help, and he asks for help… give your time and a caring ear. My little brother got into drugs. It pert-neer ruined his life. My other brother used to “lend” him money (by lend I mean give) when he’d ask, and funny enough, everytime he had more than a few bucks in his pocket, he reverted back to drugs.
Hardest thing for my whole family to learn was that they weren’t really helping him by giving him money. Afterall, money isn’t the answer to every problem. Sometimes letting someone pound their head against the wall works, as long as they have someone who’ll listen to them when they need it.
pm sent
So true. I had an extended family member who had a drug issue for a while and he also had an issue with extra money in the pocket that family members gave him.
If you want to help in a physical means way, offer to buy some diapers or whatever for the kid or a bag of groceries. Otherwise, the time and a caring ear are best.
If I were you, I would decide right now how much this friendship means to you and whether you are prepared for the eventual relapse(s). Some might say it is a defeatist attitude, but I would be looking for the “when” of relapse rather than the “if.” I have never known someone who only had to go into rehab once. Truth be told, I’m not sure if I’ve ever even heard of someone who only needed one cycle of rehab.
Are you mentally prepared to handle that? To feel like you both have made months of progress only for it to fall apart and start all over again? Are you prepared to face possible betrayal if your friend decides that his habits are more important than you and/or his bond with you? I.E. how will you react if you realize he has stolen something from you, even of small value?
In my limited experience, the betrayal / theft is not certain (but likely), but a general relapse is almost certain.
I’d agree that the last thing to do is give money. From there, I can’t offer a whole lot more, really. Each person needs something a little different and the reality is that he needs to find it for himself. I can’t say whether he’s the type that needs a shoulder or tough love: only you will know that.
But don’t give him money and be extremely weary of allowing him deep access to your life (like living in your home). You will be able to help him more if you aren’t as vulnerable to his habit as he is. If you are the one stepping stone in-between him and a substance, don’t be surprised if you get stepped on.
I’m sure some of that may offend people. I realize I am painting with a broad brush but I am just speaking from experience with others. If your buddy is someone to break that mold then he is lucky I guess, but I am inclined to believe that he wouldn’t be in this position in the first place if that was the case.
To be brutally honest, I’m not sure I have a friend who means so much to me that I would endure the trends that I’ve seen out of addiction and its fallout. My brother or family would be another story, but I don’t think I could do it for anyone besides blood. That’s my personal choice though: I’m not advocating anyone else follow. In fact, I could certainly see the argument that I’m a bad friend for saying as much, but I would contest that.
Additional PM sent. Best of luck to you brother, it’s a long hard road, but if can be travelled successfully.
i’ve lived a life of broad spectrum experience… my mother’s family is wealthy, my father’s family is white trash. WE were generally broke. i fucked around with some drugs as a kid, grew out of it, made new friends who dont use drugs… been in the military, went to college- studied to be a cop for 3.9 years with countless ridealongs, interviews (them, not me), sit-alongs at jails, etc- saw some really distrubing shit related to drugs, met some disturbing drug-users. my own former friends- my best friend, much like me, woke up in his early life, got out of town and started a respectable adult life. he and i are all that’s left from the old crew… everyone else is dead, in prison, or missing. one other guy just finished up a post-release supervision program- what do you think the first thing he did was? that’s right… smoked a big ol’ phatty to celebrate. i wouldnt be the least bit surprised if he’s doing crank again within a year. i pray for him, but i won’t have shit to do with him.
i don’t know if any of this makes me any more enlightened than anyone else, but in my experience- you don’t need to have ANYTHING to do with people who use drugs. they’re members of a different sect of the human race, and it’s a drama-filled, dirty, deceptive, un-cool place. nothing good comes from these people. most of them will relapse time and time again until they’re dead or in prison. most of my experience is with methamphetamine (not myself), but heroin can be just as bad.
drop the guy… he’s not a friend, he’s a leech.
+2 never give him money. It will one way or the other go to the drugs.
And be prepared that he will not kick the habit its sad to say but very few actually fully recover. So few in fact that I haven’t seen it yet. Sorry to say 
If you find a majic cure, tell me! My Brother in Law (not the one that is my best friend, but his younger brother) is jobless, living with his parents, smokes pot non stop, and we don’t know what more serious drugs, but there is something much more than pot going on. And… to make it worse, he is doing drugs with and sleeping with his best friends wife. His best friend in in Iraq. His best friend pays for her house, her new Chevy fullsize SUV, and little does he know… my looser brother in laws drugs, food, and place to go bang his wife. It makes me, my wife and my brother in law want to puke.
His parents (He lives there, 28 years old) allow him to sleep until 3PM-6PM every day, grab food, and run out the door. His mother does his clothes and puts them away, buys the food… and any other personal needs. Mom and Dad don’t see it. They think he just has not grown up and he is playing with his pals and spending time with his buddies wife to keep her from being lonely… as she even sleeps there in his bed in the room next to his parents a few nights a week!
His father takes him to work with him a few days a week and lets him take a truck and leave after a couple hours. He pays him cash, and the idiot man-child only works enough to buy beer (major alcoholic as well) and get his little cash to run the night while hanging from the Army kids wife.
Half the family closes thier eyes and refuses to even hear anyone mention it, and the other half wishes he would hurry up and die of a wreck or overdose to just end the insanity.
If any cops from Beaver County are on here, He drives massively doped and drugged up. Last month he side swiped 3 parked cars in Ambridge and the LEO never drug tested him! If your a cop, I’ll give you pictures of his rusty red/white Dodge Dakota so you can watch for him and try to get him in jail. It’s a shame, but prison is maybe the only way to clean him up. Help us, arrest him and don’t just fine him (cause his dad will pay it), put him in jail for a month or 2.
My experiences also.
How about a member here that’s been on drugs? Me. I wasted the biggest part of my life from 97 to 05 until I decided I’d had enough. He won’t do right till he’s ready, but a helping hand in the previous mentioned ways are always good. Absolutely NO MONEY should be given to him. If his friendship means that much to you stand by him, but it’s a proven fact users will fall off the wagon a couple times before they get right. One of the biggest helps I had was a few friends that actually cared about me and were always there to listen. Plus, a strong sense of self will help carry you a long ways back down a road that should never have been travelled. I wish the best for your friend, but there may come a point of diminishing returns if he starts using again. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
Wish I could provide some positive reinforcement here but very few individuals have the inner strength to beat that kind of addiction. Once thru inpatient treatment and back on the street it becomes a constant 24/7 battle to remain sober. Nearly everything on the street reminds the addict of a score/getting high, etc. I’ve lost family members and friends to this sickness and it sucks! There’s been some really good advice from others on this forum, “don’t give them $”. Hope your friend becomes one of the fortunate few. Best of luck.
You can be supportive by being willing to listen to him or talk with him but as others have said, never lend or give the guy money. Do not enable the habit in any way. Watch out for your friend asking to borrow things that can be easily sold (i.e. tools, CD’s, DVD’s, video games, etc.) or for you to take him for a ride to any place that is not a regular business, doctor’s office, or government building. -I got tricked by a former friend who I did not know used drugs. He had me take him to his drug dealer for a refill. That ended the friendship.
I hope your friend can beat his demons but it’s a day by day struggle. Be prepared to remove the guy from your life. It’s hard and unpleasant but addicts know no bounds. They will bring their mess into your life if they can get something from you to support their habit.
Review information at Alcoholics Anonymous / Narcotics Anonymous. They should have information for friends and families of addicts.
Bitter experiences, with friends, and children.
-
DON’T HELP HIM GET DRUGS! Don’t lend him money, or your car. NEVER leave your wallet, bank statements, credit card bills or anything that contains personal information that can be turned into cash where he can get his hands on it. Don’t let him use your computer or email accounts. Don’t let him have a key to your house, or access unless you are there to watch and supervise. Things that can be sold for cash for drugs will disappear.
-
UNDERSTAND WHAT HE IS BECOMING! Drugs permanently change a person’s personality, and never to the better. The man you knew is turning himself into a POS. After he quit (if he quits) he may regain some of his former personality and goodness. But don’t count on it to happen quickly, if ever. Keep him away from your children. Don’t ever let him put you in a situation where you might be incriminated. That includes driving him places. You never know what he will bring into your car, or what he might have done before he got into your car. Seem’s harsh? It is. But it’s also the truth.
-
LET HIM RECOVER! Only he can change himself. Serious drugs are slow suicide for most addicts. The sooner he bottoms out, the sooner he will make the decision to live. Let him bottom out. Then help him stand again when you are convinced he is sincere. How do you tell? Prayer. Extended abstinence after jail/hospital/rehab, in a situation where he could get drugs if he wanted to. Abandoning druggie friends is absolutely essential.
2 of my childhood friends both died together of an overdose of painkillers, and possibly heroin last january of 08. they’re deaths still haunt me today. i tried to tell them to get off that shit, so many times. i cant explain how important it is to remind your friends that this is no joke, it actually can kill you. they dont think about these things at the time, they just think it feels good. rehab is a good start, hanging out with new friends is a better start. good look with your friend, i really hope the rehab can start him onto a new direction.
If he was a real friend, he would never be abusing in the first place. Get your priorities straight and off him at the soonest possible opportunity. Terminate,…with extreme predjudice.
There isn’t a damned thing you can do for him if he isn’t interested in your doing it.
Make sure you don’t help him continue in anyway.
Make it clear that your continued support and friendship depends on what he puts into it.
The old tough love thing.
It takes a strong person to get clean and someone just about as strong to be their friend.
My brother went through treatment for alcohol/drugs a week after his oldest daughter’s 1st birthday.
He rolled his truck and just about got busted.
His wife told him to clean up or leave.
Next day he went into treatment for 4 weeks.
He’s been clean now going on 22 years.
Having been through the family counseling with him is what has kept me from drinking or doing drugs.
They listed off something like 22 personality traits of addicts; all but one described me.
I was 16 so I just never started; I’m like a recovering alcoholic/drug addict that never got addicted.
a friend of mine is in rehab for perscription and various other drugs. Can’t really give an idea how to help but to be a good friend, don’t give money. He won’t get any better until he wants to. You can force them to go to rehab all they want, but if they don’t want to get better they won’t. just my 2 cents
One of my closest friends got all messed up on drugs and I haven’t spoken with him in over 5 years. He screwed over everyone, lost his job, car & motorcycle, was in rehab, etc. He became a real POS.
We were like brothers so I was really tight with the family and his older brother and I are good friends so I hear how he still is messed up and in & out of trouble.
Tough Love
My sister in law’s brother and I were very close for years but eventually he started to hang around a different group and everyone noticed him changing. We found out that he was taking various drugs and everyone thought “aww, he will get better. we will just send him to rehab and help him any way we can”. The help was generally in the form of money and a place to stay. He was kicked out of several family members homes, including my brothers, for using in their homes and sometimes while children were even there. Everyone felt so sorry for him, while my dad and I were wondering why they were so blind to the fact that he was using them. He did eventually get married and had a son. Then he was found dead in a flop house from an OD when his son was less than a year old.
No one sat him down and force fed him the “rules” of being a man and taking responsibilty for your actions. Tell your friend the way it is going to be, if he is your friend he will stay your friend. If not, well fu@% him, move on. As others have said, no money, do not allow access to home and property without being supervised, do not allow to be around children alone (not saying he would mess with them, but the opportunity to use is still there and you do not want that around the kids), and watch him like a hawk for when he strays again.
Good luck, if he is a “true freind” they are hard to come by.