D-Bag requirements are constantly evolving with douche factions desperately trying to out douche each other. So how do you make sure you are keeping up with Jersey? Well here are the top ten douche “must haves” for 2015.
- The Tap Out shirt - Still holding on strong and now standard d bag gear. This let’s everyone know you think you are a badass MMA / BJJ guy who can’t wait to “GET IT ON” at a moments notice. Don’t just project aggression with just posture and words, let your shirt do it to.
- Sagged pants - Doesn’t matter that you grew up in the suburbs and your Dad is a psychiatrist and your Mom sells Mary Kay products. You know you are “really street” and you’ve watched enough rap videos to prove it. So you can flex your street cred while wearing designer boxer shorts and showing the douchettes what you are bringing to the party.
- Gang Signs - Despite your 6th grade education you have mastered the gang “hand sign” alphabet to reinforce your “banger from the burbs” image.
- Sandals with socks - You are doing it 100% if you have black socks. Yes somehow dressing like a Miami retiree from 1984 is now certified “douche cool.” The main difference seems to be 76 year old white males in 1984 wore their pants high, otherwise the fashions are sometimes almost identical. Bonus douche points for Adidas / Nike flip flops with black socks.
- Affliction shirt - Every get that scary feeling that Tap Out shirts might not be cool and people are making fun of you? Rest easy, Affliction shirts are 100% pure douche.
- Roid Junkie - Another classic still holding strong. Sometimes it’s difficult to be needlessly aggressive and ignore societal norms, standards and practices. But never fear, steroids can help you be the inconsiderate, douche bag asshole you know you have inside you and at the same time give you a killer six pack and back zits.
- Red Tan - It is important for a douche to try not to be white. But a lot of douches are really, really white so they can’t achieve a satisfying “pseudo minority” tan and they fear people laugh at them when they use spray on tan products.
- Designer facial hair / Fauxhawks - It’s a tie so you can’t lose. Do both for the ultimate douche combo. Without uttering a word, everyone knows…DOUCHE BAG.
- Boom Cars - Because it’s hard to be an aggressive, asshole douche bag while driving. Sure you can drive like a dick, but that isn’t bothering people a block away. Thankfully car audio design let’s everyone know you are a true douche bag at distances of 5 block or more. You can also say goodbye to bullshit stories about how you don’t live at home in your parents basement, douchettes can’t hear a word you are saying.
- And the winner is…Vapes. Used to be you could smoke cigarettes and not only piss off everyone around you but you could actually shorten their lives with your bullshit. Then some “second hand smoke / you shouldn’t be allowed to shorten my life” cry babies passed some laws that banned you from smoking in most public places.
You tried to ignore the law because you are so “gangster” but got tired of the police kicking your ass, finding your skunk weed stash and tasering you. But fear not, there is a solution. People call them “E cigarettes” and this allows you to pretend you care about giving up cigarettes while blowing giant ass vape clouds for everyone to choke on. Cigarettes were never this cool and who knows what kind of chemicals are actually in that stuff.
